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The Revengerists vs Warrior of a Million Ways
'The Revengerists Versus The Warrior of a Million Ways' Breshvic Penicillin is taking a walk to the local arcade to try and beat his high score on 'Police Trainer', when he sees an explosion somewhere in China (USING HIS SUPER SEEING ALL THE THINGS POWER) Breshvic: There was an explosion I better figure out what's going on with that explosion. He telepathically communicates to Harbjar, who is able to recieve mental signals, but not send them sometimes. Breshvic: Did you SEE that explosion? Fuck, that was some kind of explosion, we better investigate. Harbjar: Allow me to set the Revengerists MIND COMPUTER to analysis the area After a lot of investigation, they trace the crime to a lair in Hong Kong. Breshvic calls all available Awesomes to the Compound Meeting Room. It's pretty rad and filled with arcade games, ping pong, foosball, basketball, raquetball, and snack machine filled with COOL RANCH DORITOS. Breshvic, Santa, Commodore Bob, Harbjar, El Cocco and Hotknife are all there. Breshvic: (munching on doritos) REVENGERISTS, we have found the source of a major crime happen. It is at Hong Kong, according to the MIND COMPUTER there is an evil fiend who plans on bringing Chaos to the world. ...um... more Chaos. ''We have to stop him. Harbjar, you have the stage. '''Harbjar': This is where the villain is hiding. Using my "Laser Sight" I have pinpointed exactly where we should infiltrate. There will be a lot of guys for us to fight, so be prepared for that. Also be wary, there's a mysterious energy source that I can't quite figure out. Santa: So what are we doing with the bad guy? Breshvi'''c: Good question, uh, I guess we'll take him to the police? '''Commodore Bob: We can imprison him in my Death Prisoner Machine Breshvic: That kills them! We can't have that. Or can we... Cocco: Why don't we try talking some sense into him? We still haven't tried that with anyone we've ever come across. Breshvic: NONSENSE! Let's just kill him, it's easier. Cocco: No one ever listens to me... Commodore Bob: Maybe you should use my voice enhancerment system. You're very quiet, you know. Cocco (loudly): Shut up, I'll gut ya! Bershv'''i: CALM D'F'K DON! WE NEED TO GO AND GET THE CRIMINALS AN DMAKE THEM PAY MOTHER FUCK IT DAMN SHIT ASS LAJFLJKSDFLPASJLFASJFLASJFL!!!!!!!!!!!!! BARNACLES!! '''Santa: I second that T''HE REVENGERISTS blast off to Hong Kong, where they gingerly snap down to the point of landing. It was quiet.'' Santa: Too quite NO, damn it! QUI-ET, not QUITE. You're such a moron. Geez, come on! Santa: ...sorry Santa begins to cry, but they must carry on! The crimes must be stopped and the criminals punished (and no one cares about your dumb feelings!) They walk to the secret hideout base of secret warrior of...fuck! No, they don't know who they're fighting yet. Man, I"m just messing this one up. They walk to the secret entrance of the hideou''t. '''Breshvi'c: Seems like this is the place. Where is the entrance? Santa: Is it this manhole? Breshvi'''c: Hahaha '''Harbjar: It seems like the likely thing, many an unsavory thing are found through manholes. Breshvic: HAHAHAHAHA.... sorry-sorry, I just-- Breshvic cannot control his laughter, he begins to laugh hysterically. Harbjar: I meant like lairs and big hairy monsters... Breshvic: hahahaha (hey wait, I don't think it's THAT funny) hahahahahaahahaha No, he continues laughing as if he was possessed by The Laughing Guy Breshvic: HAHAHAAHAHAH! Cocc'o: Dude, shut up! ''His laughter calms a bit '''Breshvic: Heh...manhole Cocco: Anyway, it does seem a bit strange that there would be el manhole- Breshvic: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH *SMACK!* Cocco: ...in el middle of nowhere. Santa: Sure, let's walk right in the front entrance to the bad guy lair without any thought to- Santa looks around and sees that his teammates have already gone in. Something stirs the bushes nearby but he MORONICALLY thinks nothing of it. (It's weird that there are bushes in hong kong.) Inside the Evil Lair, it is dark. But all of the guys can see in the dark. There are a bunch of bad guys ready to attack them. Breshvic: Hey there's a bunch of bad guys ready to attack us. T''he Revengerists begin to fight. Santa does CRISPY JINGLE ATTACK. Idiot. El Cocco gives them a karate chop of friendship! Harbjar uses his mysterious powers! Commodore Bob shoots a lot of guys with his gattling gun that shoots smaller gattling guns that shoot rockets. Breshvic stands back and tells everyone to attack stuff even though he could singlehandedly handle this himself herein.'' Breshvic: YES! Get them! Cocco: Everyone, including el self hereo, seems to be handling this rather easily. Cocco gets knocked down by a super monster ninja guy. '' '''Cocco': Breshvic! Help me?! Breshvic: No..... You got this. I believe in you. The Super Monster Ninja guy is blown away by Harbjar's haunted fist attack! Harbjar: You're better than that, aren't ya? The badguys are all dead. Blood cakes everything. Cocco: Uh, we probably could have just talked to them instead of attacking them with no warning. Breshvic: I said there were a bunch of badguys ready to attack us. That's enough warning. Santa: But they didn't attack us, we attacked them. Also they couldn't see in the dark. I'm pretty sure they were just creatures defending themselves. Breshvic: Whatever. You killed the most of them. Bob: No, I did. My kill counter says like 5837 confirmed kills. Which is more than the number of guys there were. Cocc'''o: Guys, it doesn't matter anyway. They're all dead and we killed them. We are failures of superheroes, but we must continue on and finish el mission! '''Breshvic: You're right, ninja man. I know your name but didn't say it just then. Breshvic slaps his face with the back of his hand Breshvic: OUCH! What the fuck? Why would I do that? It doesn't matter, they continue on with the mission and Breshvic keeps slapping himself in the face. The superteam enters a large room, the door slams shut behind them and they look up as a light shines toward a room suspended above them. A man appears. Dr Warrio'''r: Ah, Revengerists! How nice of you to come to my SCIENCE EXPERIMENT! '''Breshvic: What the fuck? Who are you? Dr Warrior: Ah, I am The Warrior of a Million Ways! I will annihilate you with my latest creation! Santa: Warrior? But you seem to be some sort of scientist or something. Why would you be a warrior? Dr Warrior: Don't mind that, details...it won't matter after you are all paste on the wall Bob: I like the cut of your jib, but I don't have any interest in being a different substance at the present moment, maybe we can discuss this in a more scholarly manner? Dr Warrior: Commodore Bob...my greatest rival. I will - Bob: Rival? I've never heard of you and in fact am interested in working with you if you'd just - Dr Warrior: DESTROY YOUR GUTS WITH MY SUPERIOR CREATIONSsss!?!?? Sant'''a: This is dumb, you're dumb. Let's just leave. '''Breshvic: Yeah. Okay let's go. Breshvic Penicillin attempts to blow a hole through the wall but nothing happens. Breshvic: Huh? Wise guy, eh? Breshvic attempts to perform a door dimension rip, but nothing happens. Breshvic: WHY I OUGHTA! Dr Warrior: ENOUGH! There's no way you're getting out of here. I've prevented that. Cocco: It appears that there's some weird time-shit happening that prevents us from using our powers to escape. Bob: Oh no, it couldn't be weird time-shit! If that's true we are indeed doooome-- fucked. Breshvic: Whatever. Hey Dr Worrier...heh...heh... spelled like... like you worry about things... Breshvic begins laughing hysterically again to the dismay of the other members of the team. He also performs a jig while rubbing his belly and smacking his face, all while laughing. Dr Warrior: I will now unleash my killer robots upon you. Despair, dumbasses, for you will all die. This robot has superior firepower and superpowers. A door opens on the floor and a giant robot is lifted up into the arena. Breshvic is still laughing and the robot begins deploying its nearly endless arsenal of lasers, missiles, sonic booms, fireballls, kamehamehas, power blasts, power punches, destroyer bombs, and fire ants. The Revengerists go on the defensive and use their skills and powers to avoid being blown to bits. They love the robot because it's so cool Breshvic: HAHAHAHA WE LOVE ROBOT Cocco: We have to must stop el robot, now. Your on pants, Mr Santa! No, you idiot. Y-O-U-APOSTROPHE-R-E, not Y O U R. And it's "ON POINT" not "On PANTS" Cocco: Whoops, sorry Mr Narrator. Breshvi'''c: Why are you guys talking to yourselves? '''Santa: How about a taste of my KRINGLE RAY! Stupid Santa fires the cringle ray, but the robot absorbs it. Robot: PROGRAM ROBOKILL EXECUTING. DEPLOY ENERGY ABSORB IS AT THE 100 PERCENT UPPER POWER LEVEL. FIRE THE FISTS OF FIRING POWER TO KILL THE ENEMY GUYS. Bob: Who programmed this robot's speech mechanism? He sounds like a stupid robot would sound if they programmed his speech mechanisms wrong. Breshvic: I don't know, I kind of like him. Anyway, I've inexplicably deployed an energy field so we're all safe from his attacks. The Robot fires his fists of firing power to kill the enemy guys at the enemy guys and the shield disapates Breshvi'c: Well, fiddle-sticks. ''A door opens on the wall and a wayward robot appears. It begins firing a payload of missiles at teh robot, which stuns it for a minute. The robot then comes to the side of the super team. '''Bob Sequious: Hello, gentlemen. I am Bob Sequious: The Friendly Robot. I am here to help. Cocco: That's great and all, but we can't get out of here and your missiles have seemed to do el jack squat. Robo'''t: POWER ON UP PROGRAM DETECT. FIRST WAVE OF STRATEGY IS TO CHARGING UP THE ENERGY BLAST CANNON GUN FOR MAXIMUM EFFICIENT KILL SYSTEMS! '''Santa: That sounds, uh, not great. Way to state the obvious, Colonel Obvious of the Obvious Reserves! Santa: Dude. Bob Sequious: Gentlemen, this Killer Robot can be defeated with sufficient use of kinetic energy based assaults. Bob: So just kicking it a bunch of times will beat it? Sequious: Gentlemen, yes. Cocco: Here's where I come in. Get ready to feel el assault of hot feet for you to get destroy! Breshvic: I will redirect its attacks with my attacks. Cocco, kick it in the head. Santa, kick it in the balls. Bob, kick it in its worthless fucking belly. Sequious: Gentlemen, did you mean me or the Commodore? Bob: I think he means me. Breshvic: Robob (I will call you that from now on), use your missiles to attack it when it won't kill our guys. Harbjar: Hey guys, what about me? The Revengerists plus one friendly Robot buddy begin their assault and ignore Harbjar, the super wizard, who we all kind of forgot was there. With the use of their simultaneous kicking they are able to systematically take down the robot a little bit at a time. '' '''Bob': Hey guys, I may be able to reprogram this guy to fight for us. What do you say about that? Breshvic: I'm cool with that. Cocco: As long as it doesn't kill anyone Santa: HO HO HO Commodore Bob takes advantage of the distractions his teammates are meting out, and begins to rewire the automaton-contraption''-lord. It begins to lose its armor, dent its quad core, shed heat shielding, vibrate and flash red like a min-boss. Santa is still an idiot.'' '''Santa: Hey! Bob: There! I've retrofitted all logistical restraining technology to ionize backwards-compatible empathic motherboard circuits! But that doesn't mean anything. It will work for us now! Breshvic: GOOD. Keep kicking, Revengerists, it's almost dead! Sequious: Gentlemen, I believe that the good Commodore has said that-- Cocco: I've annihilated its heart! Santa: I've annihilated its ass! Breshvic: I bet you did, HAHAHAHAHAA! Bob: I've unnecessarily programmed it to feel pain! Harbjar: I'm still here! The robot turns away from them in fear, torn by its newly programmed obedience to these Masters, while confused, hurt and betrayed by their continued assault. It lurches towards the suspended balcony room where Dr. Warrior watches. Dr Warrior: Why did I just watch as all this happened? Why didn't I do something or try to escape? Why am I not trying to escape now?? Oh, that I should love chaos so very, very much. Harbjar: Nobody said anything about-- With its final act of simulated life, the robot crashes into the safety of Dr. Warrior's impenetrable sanctuary, mortally killing him. Dr Warrior: Ow! My hubris! Cocco: What is with el Narrator's descripciónes? Breshvic: Who are you talking to?? Cocco: Anyone who'll listen, really. Dr Warrior: How ironic that I, the world's greatest warrior, would be crushed by a scientific creation that I found somewhere to do my fighting for me!! Santa: Breshvic, are you not hearing that asshole voice that the rest of us are? Breshvic: '''I'm not sure what asshole voices I'm hearing half the time. I hear this asshole screaming. '''Bob: Yeah, I thought he said he was killed. Dr Warrior:' '''Curse you, Revengerists! You have made a powerful and eternal enemy this day! How dare you do all of this to me completely unprovoked?? I shall haunt you for the rest of your-- ''And with one Awesome spinning move, El Cocco smashes Dr. Warrior's head like a soft plum, and just as messy, too. That shuts him up but GOOD. Santa: El Cocco, I thought you were the one who wanted to talk and reason with enemies from now on? Cocco: Meh, sometimes you gotta smash a head. Sequious: Gentlemen, thank you for freeing me and my robot friends from the evil Dr. Warrior. He had enslaved us and was planning to turn us into cute woodland creatures. Bob: So... these weren't his own creations, after all? Sequious: Oh, God, no. He couldn't create a killer robot or an impenetrable sanctuary if his life depended on it. As you can plainly see. Bob: Then how did he capture powerful robot men? Sequious: He lured us in with promises of salaried positions with full benefits. Before we knew it was too late, however, we were enslaved with awful Radioshak-brand droid-restraining bolts, and it was too late. Santa: How awful. Sequious: Indeed. Santa: No, I meant, how awful? Like, I was asking a question. Sequious: Oh! Well, for example, I was to be his protocol butler droid, and my once uncouth demeanor was replaced with hideously prim properness. He was forcing me to begin every sentence with 'Gentleman' until you dickbags came along. Harbjar: A robot after my own heart. Seriously, robot, stay away from my heart. Breshvic: '''Oh, Harbjar. When did you get here? '''Santa: You missed a really cool battle. Harbjar: Fuck off. Breshvic: Well, it's a good thing we managed to free you from... THE WARRIOR OF A MILLION WAYS! Sequious: He wasn't really a Warrior, and he really only had that one way. Maybe a couple; four, tops. Since I am an ancient mechanoid with vast repositories of knowledge and superior logical faculties, I can't really give you any more information. The super team stands there with their thumbs literally up their assholes Santa: So, uh, what do we, uh, do, uh, now? Cocco: How about we try getting out of here. Breshvic: BUT HOW???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Sequious: I have some data in my databanks that we can use about getting out of here, but you fucks are probably stupid idiots so this may take a long time. The Revengerists, plus one hilariously insulting robot, spend a while decyphering the data and figuring out a way to leave the SCINECE EXPERIMENT Breshvic: Even as a huge moron, I think I figured out what to do. Bob: I have also fixed this giant robot so that it will be able to come back to the base. Everyone is really happy that everything is working out so well, especially now that they have a super powered killer robot on their side that will be able to solve all of their problems and take care of most everything they need to do, especially clean up after a certain snack-eating revengerist whom they are all frightened of and stuff. '' '''Cocco': I'm not scared of anyone. Breshvic: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? *SMACK Bob: Okay, let's get out of here with our bounty Just then a giant whole in the wall explodes open and the mighty DR TASTY appears Dr Tasty: LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE ALL DUMB AND NEED BAILED OUT, ONCE AGAIN That's right. Breshvic: Hey Dr Tasty, how the fuck did you blast through that weird time-shi- NO TIME FOR THAT, BRESHVIC. Dr Tasty beelines to the giant, friendly robot that Commodore Bob bothered to rebuild and reprogram and destroys it, utterly. No pieces are left. This is great for everyone. Bob: NO IT ISN'T, THIS MAKES ME REALLY SAD Dr Tasty: I AM NOW VICTORIOUS. IT WAS ALL ME. I AM THE BEST. Indeed he is. ANd everyone agrees. Santa: No we don't Yes you do. Cocco: No, I certainly dont- Dr Tasty: Stop talking to the narrator. Breshvic: The narrator? So that's what has been happening? Breshvic Penicillin needs to get a grip and get Dr Tasty some snacks, pronto. Santa: Snacks? What... So it's been you the entire time? ugh Dr Tasty: Yes, I've been narrating the entire time. In fact this is all part of the narrator dimension that I happen to be in control of. Santa: But why were you being so mean to me the whole time? Dr Tasty: Don't take it personally, I was trying to harden your ass. Santa: Oh, okay then. Breshvic: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA HAHAHAHAAA!! Breshvic can't stop laughing and hitting himself. Dr Tasty starts walking backwards really slowly through several city blocks worth of weird time-shit walls. The Revengerists, plus one friendly robot follow him back to the compound. Today has been a day of ages, for the chronicles of legends. Once more the forces of good are victorious, keeping the world safe from the forces of evil for all time. Harbjar: Guys! Wait for meeeeee! 'Dr Warrio'r: Uh, I'm still alive. I'm not dead, I will have my revenge REVENGERI- Dr Warrior explodes into tiny bits that are all dead, forever. Category:Battles Category:Comics Issues